Tuesday, October 30, 2012

The Hochuli-90X Workout Program

Welcome to the Route 30 Detour! US Route 30 intersects at I-95 in Philadelphia and goes from coast to coast, including passing through Pittsburgh and the home of Drexel University SMT student and blog contributor, Bryan Fyalkowski (@fyalkowski)...

Ed Hochuli's biceps and interesting background have made him into a vertically-striped icon on and off the field in recent years. But with the recent replacement referee fiasco, he has undoubtedly become the face of NFL referees everywhere.

For Hochuli, his popularity in the eye of the public is at an all-time high and this is the time for him to capitalize. Per the inspiration for this post by my good pal JT, I am going to help out the NFL's most famous referee with the business idea of the century: Hochuli-90X**

Pump it big dog.

Of course you can read Hochuli's ACTUAL workout routine right here, but that is boring and (considering it is from 2006) outdated. From my experience with Insanity and the basic knowledge of NFL referee hand signals, I have created the following exercises for Hochuli-90X:

The move: Arm flexibility and stretching
What it means on the field: Completion

What you think is a "completion" signal is actually a key warmup in the Hochuli-90X workout. We want to gain muscle and girth on the arms, but not sacrifice flexibility. It is extremely important that all athletes adequately stretch their arms and obliques before any Hochuli-90X activity.

The move: Self arm wrestling
What it means on the field: Holding

We all know that any Hochuli-90X athlete does not lose to anyone in a feat of strength, except to himself. This arm wrestling exercise allows you to put your muscle mass up against the only other person as strong as you are. This way, the muscle is constantly being tested by someone in the Hochuli-90X program and not other weaklings with inadequate biceps.

The move: Lat size check and evaluation
What it means on the field: Timeout

This is a daily self-esteem builder and progress check. Every day after doing Hochuli-90X, your lats grow approximately 1" in size. You are able to track your progress and make sure you are headed in the right direction by checking the size of your lats every day and make sure you are up to Hochuli-90X standards.

The move: Wingspan lengthening
What it means on the field: Unsportsmanlike conduct

A little known fact about extreme bodybuilding, is once muscles get big enough, you can actually stretch them out to other parts of your body. In this instance, the biceps got so huge from Hochuli-90X, by doing this move, the muscle stretched out to the forearms and allowed the wingspan to increase to approximately 10' by the end of the program.

The move: The "TD"
 What it means on the field: Touchdown

The final Hochuli-90X move is The "TD," which is a mentally stimulating exercise. After completing all other parts of the daily workout, you must go out to your front lawn and hold this pose for three hours (preferably in the pouring rain) to build character and mental strength.

That wraps up the five basic moves of Hochuli-90X, so take on the program if you dare!

**Ed Hochuli is the only known graduate of the Hochuli-90X workout, and for good reason. This workout program is not for mere mortals, so you must consult Hochuli himself before beginning. There is no set timetable for this program, Hochuli will tell you when you have completed the workout. While the "90X" in "P90X" means 90 days of extreme exercise, the "90X" in "Hochuli-90X" just reminds you that Hochuli is 90 times better than you will ever be.

Enjoy your trip back to I-95 and I'll see you next week!

1 comment:

  1. This is fantastic. Where do you come up with this stuff haha